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Another week


Here is a summery landscape that I did in art group last week. There are plenty of signs of spring here; daffodils and crocuses, but it's cold and windy.

The week has not been a very good one. We were just about to set off for the breathlessness group on Wednesday when Martin lost all sensation in one hand/ arm. I called 999 and an ambulance arrived in about 10 minutes and he was then carted off to A & E. I was reduced to a helpless emotional basket case. Friend John who lives nearby came to the hospital with me and we spent the next 8 hours there before they announced that Martin needed to stay in.

They thought he may have a build up of plaque in his carotid artery that may account for his symptoms as all other tests were fine.

Anyway as it turns out he was ok and sent home the next day with meds and no further action needed; just told not to drive for a month.

So just a scare albeit a very unpleasant one. I have no resilience at all being too vulnerable myself I guess, so I felt even more helpless than usual and not able to cope. It's difficult getting used to being so different; I think I've always been fairly good in a crisis and able to be the calm voice of reason, but I don't seem able to regulate my emotions very well at all. I suppose the whole transplant thing is stressful and I'm under that pressure that is constantly in the background, as well as the day to day struggle to breathe.

I also hate that Martin has the additional worry of me as well as his own health. May be when I get my transplant I will be able to look after Martin more.

I had appointments with the palliative care doctors on Friday so we spent far too much of the week in the hospital. I managed to do a bit of painting; I like this other little abstract landscape:

I was looking at some paintings by an Australian artist Idris Murphy that I like;

They are very evocative of the Australian country despite being quite abstract. It’s the colours I think.

I've just been interrupted by the local vicar who's been knocking on all doors trying to meet everyone which is quite an undertaking given his parish covers several villages other than ours. He is very nice and kindly offered to be on hand if I needed anything doing.

So, another week on the transplant list which I think makes three now. It comes into my mind a fair bit, at all sorts of moments, when I wonder if I'm going to get a call. For some reason I don't think it will be this week.

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