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This watercolour takes pride of place this week. My obsession with flowers continues. I guess as I don’t get out much and the garden is what I see the most of as well as loving flowers!

The view over the field from the kitchen window is good too; there are lots of wildflowers and butterflies:

The garden keeps producing lovely things although the gardener has given us up so it’s getting out of hand. New one starts this week so I’m looking forward to what he uncovers.

I might paint these in art this afternoon, although I’ll probably feel more like having a nap when I get there:

Although as Tracey Emin says painting is a solitary activity. I need solitude to be able to paint but the art group is nice for the biscuits and chat and to see what others are doing. I've just decided not to go to art though as it is just too hot. The air is suffocating so I'm better off lying low at home. The house is quite cool and I'll probably get my nap!

With Wimbledon over that feels like a summer landmark has passed. I am dreading the forecast heat this week. I thought that I would not be able to get through another winter but as summer gallops along I may be faced with that prospect. The mind adjusts though and what seemed impossible becomes at least thinkable.

Although I'll be disappointed if nothing happens soon, and of course there's always the fear that something goes wrong that stops me having the transplant (not sure what; heart or something). Not best to dwell on negative thoughts but it is a niggling little worry. I have my next appointment at Papworth in early August so I'll get their view on the wait. The head transplant nurse did say he thought I'd get done quickly.

Clare has been staying with me as Martin was away working last week so I was treated to some delicious dhosas with marsala potato’s and coconut chutney. Also gyozo dumplings that were scrumptious.

I have Pen coming today and Alice on Wednesday to see me through the week then Martin’s back here until a few days in September. I cannot imagine going back to before (even if that were possible), for example I have always been very independent and happy in my own company but now I can’t be on my own for more than a few hours.

Not just because I need someone to cook etc and be here if I get a transplant call but because I feel scared. Not sure of what exactly as rationally nothing is likely to happen to me but I feel so vulnerable. I guess that’s it, that it’s just an overall anxiety. If something happened (what?! a car falling through the roof?) I just wouldn’t be able to cope.

It’s being breathless that does it in such a profound way. I was thinking about how I could describe the panic and I thought it was like a bird trapped in a room wildly flapping and blind to everything. So now unhelpfully I keep imagining I’ve got a bloody pigeon in my head !

As this is not a misery blog I’ll revert to my painting and all things good. I’m getting ready for another open Studio this weekend:

It will be interesting to see how the flowers go down with the public. I have plenty to paint before then.

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